HealthcareExorcise an Eating Disorder by Rewriting the Script in Your Head

By Faith Elicia

“No, thank you. I’ll pass on dessert.” 

“Oh, thanks for offering, but I already ate.”

Living with an eating disorder (ED), that sick voice has provided plenty of rebuttals to decline food-related invitations. ED backs up its lies with fears about what might happen if I eat this or do that. ED not only makes me believe false truths, but it also brainwashes me into believing they are my reality.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) has found that society commonly misconstrues eating disorders as a lifestyle choice. But as someone who lives with ED, I can confirm that succumbing to ED isn’t a choice. Recovery, on the other hand, is.

How did I go from a no-dessert, carbs-are-evil mentality to being able to sit through a meal and enjoy the experience? It involved slowly erasing old tapes playing in my head that thrive on negativity and the belief that I’m different.

Realistically, I am different. We’re all unique with special gifts. Often, finding gifts that have been buried underneath layers of emotional pain, fear, and insecurity is a daunting challenge. But they’re there, residing in each of us.

Shoveling the garbage — ED’s nonsense words — is brutal. I won’t lie and say it isn’t. But living with ED is harder. All the rules, the cans and can’ts, the dos and don’ts, are exhausting. It’s a never-ending loop. 

Growing up in an alcoholic home was the perfect breeding ground to learn how to isolate. My sisters and I had to present the ideal family to outsiders even though dysfunction, codependency, and addiction lined our walls. Don’t get me wrong — there was plenty of love. Unfortunately, that love didn’t penetrate my soul. How could I believe I had worth when I lived with anxiety, fear, and panic? Toss in an eating disorder, and voilà, more doubt and shame.  

We are only as sick as our secrets. Mine could have brought me to my death. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD), one death due to an eating disorder occurs every 52 minutes. Even more daunting, eating disorders are among the deadliest mental illnesses. 

Through my nine-year recovery journey, I’ve learned many strategies that have been helpful when ED sneaks in and encourages me to engage in self-destructive behaviors. It’s essential to keep in mind that no two eating disorders are alike, which means our recoveries aren’t either. We have to find tools that work for us.  

These are a few of mine. 

1. Rephrase the inner dialogue. It’s okay to make mistakes. What matters is what I tell myself when I do. Resorting to blaming and loathing means ED is talking rather than my healthy voice. If I resort to blame and loathing, I let ED do the talking. Recognizing the drama that ED imposes on my life has been significant in distinguishing what’s meaningful versus superficial. We can change the dialogue in our heads by offering ourselves words of encouragement rather than fear and doubt. 

2. Stay rooted in the present. Mindfulness is a way to keep my mind in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness is a learned skill that takes patience and willingness to put into action. That said, worrying about yesterday and a future that hasn’t arrived doesn’t serve me. It creates worry and tension. We only have this moment, so why not be fully present in it?

3. Focus on the positive. My motto is, “It could always be worse.” No matter what situation I face, I zoom out and look at the bigger picture. When I put things into perspective, stressors don’t seem as overwhelming. I can see things for what they really are. With a shift in outlook, we can better handle challenges without letting them take us down. 

4. Look for ways in which to be grateful. Being appreciative for all the blessings I have in my life, of which there are many, can uplift my spirits and turn the light on when I only see darkness. When we stop and practice gratitude for even little things, ED’s voice becomes softer, and we start to see in color again.

5. Quiet the mind through meditation. Learning how to quiet my mind and go within has taught me that I’m so much more than my anxiety and eating disorder. Whatever feelings arise can be felt without judgment. Feelings are a part of life. We all have them, and they’re neither good nor bad. It’s the labels we attach to them that make them so. Similar to thoughts, feelings pass and our moods change. We must ride through them when ED says to join forces with it. 

6. Redefine self-worth. A number on the scale no longer defines who I am. The scale is a weapon that ED uses against me in a no-win situation. Now my self-worth is tied in with taking care of myself, which includes proper nutrition. I used to be a shell of a person. Today I’m filled with love and light and gratitude. 

Digging deep, practice, and persistence has enabled all these tools to become second nature. Going within to rewrite the script has been instrumental in centering myself and putting things in perspective. With the inner peace that has come from engaging in these strategies and a variety of self-care practices, I’m now better able to see the blessings in my life and focus on them versus ED’s badgering and criticism. 

Help and support are available at Alliance for Eating Disorder Awareness, the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD), and Overeaters Anonymous. 

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Faith Elicia has been on a seven-year path of recovery from an eating disorder. When not managing her husband’s medical practice or handling things for one of her three children, she escapes to the confines of her home office to write romance fiction. Her new book, Do You See What I See? (July 15, 2021), is an interactive workbook of personal reflections, strategies, and tools for anyone suffering from an eating disorder. Learn more at faithelicia.com.